How to Tell If a Hotel Room Is Really Five-Star
I've been filming luxury hotels for more than ten years, and the test I trust most takes about five minutes. I lie on the bed and try to turn off the lights.
It sounds silly. It has told me more about hotels than most star ratings have.
What the stars actually tell you
No world authority hands out hotel stars. Each country or region sets its own criteria, and some have no official system at all.
Germany, Austria and Switzerland: the hotel associations award the stars.
The United States: private companies do it. AAA gives diamonds and Forbes gives stars.
Forbes began in 1958 as the Mobil Travel Guide and took its current name in 2009. It still sends anonymous inspectors with a list of hundreds of standards.
So five stars in one country and five stars in the next can mean two quite different hotels. A rating is a fair place to start. It won't tell you how you'll sleep.
The four things I check
These are my own tests, and you won't find them on an inspector's list. They come from a lot of nights in a lot of rooms.
One switch for every light. I want to turn off every light from the bed, with one switch, and I want to know which one it is. At midnight, after a long flight, nobody wants to walk around the room looking for panels.
A plug next to the bed, on both sides. Our phones live on the nightstand now. One plug behind the desk is a hotel that was designed for a different decade. If only one side of the bed has a plug, someone in the room is going to sleep without a charger.
A shower I understand in five seconds. No guessing, and no cold water down my back while I work out which handle does what. Good design explains itself.
Curtains that close all the way. One line of light at 6am is all it takes. I check the gap in the middle, and the one at the top of the rail.
You won't see any of this in the photos. You'll notice all of it at night.
You can check most of this before you book
Room photos rarely help here, but guest reviews do. Search inside the reviews on a hotel's page for words like "curtains", "blackout", "plug" and "light switch". People complain about exactly these things.
Or write to the hotel with one question: do the curtains block all the light? A good hotel will answer in a sentence.
The second visit of the day
Most guests think turndown is about the chocolate on the pillow. The chocolate is the least important thing in that room.
The morning clean is about the room. The evening one is about you. A good housekeeper reads the room in about ninety seconds:
Which side of the bed you slept on
Whether you drank the still water or the sparkling
Whether your phone charger is on the desk or by the bed
Then the room changes, quietly. Your side of the bed is the one opened, the water you drank is back, and the cable is coiled next to your pillow. You notice it on the second night, when the room already feels like yours.
Some of the most famous hotels I've stayed in get this wrong and leave the same card and the same sweet for everyone. Some small places get it right on the first night.
The five minutes after check-in
The best hotels still walk you to your room. Someone opens the door and shows you the lights, the shower and the view.
More and more hotels hand you a key card and point at the lift. It's faster, and you lose the moment the stay really starts. If the person knows the room well and seems happy to show it, the rest of the stay usually goes the same way.
What to do with all this
None of these tests costs a hotel much, which is why I trust them. Marble can be bought. Noticing how a guest lives can't.
If you want to see how we judge hotels on the ground, start with our guide to Bali or our guide to Thailand.
One disclosure: I own Luxintravels VIP, the membership behind the button below. It gives members private hotel rates, with savings of up to 60%. Check the room first, then compare our rate with the public price, and if ours isn't lower, book the public one.
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